Finding God in Marriage: Navigating Difficult Seasons Together
It is no secret that marriage is a serious undertaking. While it is undoubtedly a source of great joy, it is also at times a source of great suffering. When a season of suffering occurs in your marriage, it can be hard to know what to do. Fortunately, God already knows what you are experiencing and wants to be near you now as He always does. As important as it is to be in a relationship with God at all times, tumultuous times in your marriage are when it is even more important to remember that man lives, “By every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4, NABRE)
What Happens During Difficult Seasons of Marriage, and Why Leaning Into God Helps
During difficult seasons in marriage, negative cycles are often a contributing factor. In negative cycles, you and your spouse enact an interaction pattern in which neither of your attachment needs is met. Examples of attachment needs are comfort, protection, and acceptance. When these attachment needs are not met, it creates a sense of disconnection at best, and attachment and relationship rupture at worst. As such, it is important to meet your spouse’s attachment needs, and for your spouse to meet your attachment needs as well.
What are you to do when your spouse is not meeting your attachment needs? First, though it is much easier said than done, continue to meet your spouse’s attachment needs as much as possible. You may say that this is unfair, and you would be right. However,
as married people, we are called to love our spouses in a way that mirrors God’s unconditional and sacrificial love. Even if that sometimes means going above and beyond what is fair.
Second, lean into a relationship with God. While doing so is crucial even when your marriage is in a season of ease and connection, the need for connection to God becomes even more urgent in seasons of marital turmoil. In doing so, you give God the opportunity to lavish you with an even greater direct dose of His love than usual, which can meet your attachment needs in the ways your partner might not be able to amidst all the negative cycles in the difficult season.
What Leaning Into God Looks Like, Practically.
While the importance of a relationship with God during marital rough patches is described above, what does this look like practically? It means creating a routine of dedicated time with God, or leaning further into your own. The idea is to give yourself an even greater opportunity to be in a relationship with God that you might otherwise.
It can be helpful to always do this at the same time, or always after a specific event in your day. Either way, consistency is the key. I encourage you to think about it this way. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, it would be weird if your only dedicated time to talk with them was every other day or once a week. As for how much time to set aside? I encourage you to start with a shorter period and increase it if you feel it will be sustainable. Work to create a consistent daily routine that is both meaningful to you and seems accomplishable.
Lastly, what might you do during this time? Here is a simple routine to get you started:
Invite the Holy Spirit to guide this time for you.
Bring your awareness to yourself as you enter this time of prayer, acknowledging to God where you are and what you are presently experiencing.
Take up some spiritual reading. I highly recommend the Holy Bible, as well as other spiritual classics such as Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis or Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. Make sure to read slowly!
When something you read catches your attention, stop and stay with it, reflecting on the word, phrase, sentence, or verse. This is the Holy Spirit grabbing your attention!
Make a resolution that puts what you have reflected on into action.
What If It Feels Like God Is Not There?
This feeling can have many causes, but one could be that he desires to continue loving you indirectly, even if it is less so than from your spouse in your current season. It might be worth leaning into a relationship with a friend or relative more during this time. It could also be a season where God is inviting you to experience Him through a therapist who can provide Christian Couples Counseling. If that feels true for you, please reach out to a therapist at Hope Healing. We would be honored to walk with you as God works in the challenging period you find yourself in!