Couples engage in therapy for a variety of reasons. From help with communication and conflict to sexual concerns and recovering from betrayals, and even preventive maintenance, what pushes each couple to see a therapist is as unique as the couple's relationship itself.
A common thread in many of the concerns couples bring to therapy is a felt sense of disconnection. It is typically a slow progression that is only identified after days, weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes only one spouse feels it, sometimes both do. Sometimes spouses try to resolve it; sometimes they try to ignore it.
In the end, disconnection tends to show up in every relationship from time to time.
The trick is to take reconnection seriously, as relational damage from disconnection can really add up.
Understanding Emotional Distance & The Hidden Risks of Marital Disconnection
While disconnection between spouses demands an urgent response, pause to consider disconnection with a wider lens. First, let's turn to Genesis 2:18 (NABRE):
"The Lord God said: It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suited to him."
This makes perfect sense given that God is a perfect union of three persons, and in Genesis 1:27 we hear, "God made mankind in his image." It then seems clear that relationship, and by extension connection, is a fundamental part of the human experience by design.
What then happens when connection breaks down? This is a question that journalist Johann Hari unintentionally encounters in his research for his book, Chasing the Scream. In it, Hari seeks to uncover what is behind addiction after seeing the impact it has, even on some who are close to him. What becomes a central theme of the book and the crux of the accompanying TED Talk is that the opposite of addiction is connection. If we examine this claim from another angle, it could be said that the opposite of connection is addiction. Furthermore, in 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murphy published Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, in which he makes the claim that,
"Loneliness and isolation present profound threats to our health and wellbeing."
Here we see Murphy identifying that the ill effects of loneliness and isolation, both types of disconnection, go beyond addiction to the detriment of both individuals and communities.
How Marital Isolation Affects Spouses and Couples Therapy Outcomes
In pulling Murphy's findings into the context of marriage, we recognize that disconnection between spouses dramatically and detrimentally impacts each spouse individually as well as the marriage itself. Perhaps most dangerously, disconnection tends to perpetuate disconnection when left unchecked. How does this happen? As a result of our relational nature, when we stop relating and connecting with the person we trust to meet our relational needs in the context of connection, we tend to turn outside of that relationship.
We see this tendency to divert to other seemingly more present or promising relationships in Exodus 32 with Israel's creation and workshop of the golden calf idol. When the Israelites perceive Moses to be lost to them, they ask Aaron to "make us a god" (Exodus 32:1). So too does this happen in marriage.
When we start to feel disconnected with our spouse, we settle for something that we think will make up for that lack of connection, but won't.
This is an especially crucial moment, as taking your desire for connection with your spouse outside your marriage creates or furthers disconnection. Additionally, there can be a number of accompanying "side effects" such as attachment injury for your spouse or, following Hari's notion, addiction.
Practical Steps for Reconnecting with Your Spouse and Healing Your Marriage
Unfortunately, disconnection often occurs outside our awareness, at least until a practice of being aware of connection is established. This is largely due to the subtlety of disconnection, and its tendency to grow at a slow creep. To halt the creep, begin cultivating awareness of the level of connectedness in your marriage by checking in with yourself and your spouse. Make sure you are both honest with yourselves and each other.
Once you are aware of disconnection, what do you do about it?
In her book, The Power of Fun, Catherine Price argues that we experience only what we direct our attention to.
Begin by giving your spouse your attention, even when you are not physically together. Keep them in mind as you go through the day, praying for their well-being and their desires.
Make little gestures that communicate you are thinking of them, like leaving them a note or completing a chore they are dreading.
Perhaps most importantly, create space for conversation where you come together with your spouse and attend to each other's deeper experiences.
You Don’t Have to Figure it Out Alone
While movement toward connection in everyday life is important, sometimes the obstacles to connection seem too many, or the chasm of disconnection too wide.
If this seems like your experience, consider Christian Couples Counseling at Hope Healing to come alongside you. The fight for connection in your marriage is always worth it, and we would be honored to accompany you in reclaiming it.