Gottman's Four Horsemen: Signs of a Struggling Marriage and How to Reverse Them
It is a normal human tendency to want to move toward a space of less resistance, and this is certainly true in marriage. Perhaps all you do is fight, or the same conflict keeps recurring without resolution. Perhaps it's been some time since you felt truly connected to your spouse.
These are examples of negative cycles, recurring relational patterns that create or maintain a sense of disconnection, aloneness, or a feeling of being unseen in your marriage. While identifying and dismantling negative cycles is difficult, you can start by weeding out Gottman’s four horsemen and building in their antidotes into your communications and interactions with your spouse.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Relationship Failure
We briefly introduced the horsemen in an earlier blog, “What is Gottman Couples Therapy”, describing them as part of the big picture in Gottman couples therapy. As a recap, the four horsemen are the strongest predictors of relationship failure, as discovered in John Gottman’s research. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism is not about raising issues in conversation with your spouse, but about attacking your spouse and making them the issue. This is different than making a critique or offering feedback. Criticism over time can become contempt and lead to defensiveness in your spouse.
Contempt is taking a stance of superiority toward your spouse, while also belittling them and holding them in low esteem. This can often result from resentment building over time. Contempt is primarily defined by your attitude toward your spouse, which distinguishes it from criticism.
Defensiveness is typically a way to deflect criticism and often looks like turning things around on your spouse or making a new, different criticism back to them. Defensiveness is reactionary, and while never warranted, it is normal in response to an offensive comment or act.
Stonewalling is typically a response to contempt. While it may look like ignoring your spouse or not engaging with them, stonewalling is actually a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded beneath the surface.
The Antidotes to the Horsemen
Fortunately, Gottman's research also identified specific antidotes to counter each horseman:
Criticism’s antidote is gentle start-ups. This looks like expressing your needs using “I…” statements, or sharing how you were affected by your partner rather than attacking them.
Contempt’s antidote is building a culture of appreciation. When we practice gratitude, we maintain a high and more accurate esteem of our spouse and remain aware of their positive qualities.
Defensiveness’s antidote is taking responsibility. Instead of deflecting your spouse’s comments or making a counterattack, recognize that your spouse is identifying a misstep you have made and be willing to apologize for it.
Stonewalling’s antidote is physiological self-soothing. Once you recognize yourself withdrawing, offer yourself some grace and self-compassion by creating space to regulate yourself. This can look like taking some intentional deep breaths while still engaged with your spouse, or stepping away to do something relaxing before returning to your spouse.
As a general note, if you step away from your spouse during a conflict, make sure you express your intention to return to them within a specific time frame. You don’t have to re-engage when that time is up, but you should check in with your spouse and let them know you will need more time. This is true whether you are working to prevent stonewalling or not.
When the Antidotes are Not Enough
While the antidotes for each horseman are important tools, they alone are typically not enough to unravel negative cycles and construct positive cycles of connection and intimacy in your marriage. If this reality feels present in your marriage or relationship, please consider reaching out to Hope Healing for Christian couples Counseling. In couples therapy, one of our couples counselors will come alongside you and your spouse or partner to help deconstruct the negative cycles in your relationship and build positive cycles of connection and intimacy.