Attachment Theory for Couples: What You Need to Know
Relationships are fundamental to the human experience. We all have them, and they can take many different forms. While each relationship leaves its mark on us, some of the most impactful are those with our parents and our spouse. While at first glance these relationships may seem unrelated, there is a powerful connection between the two. But what is that connection, and how does attachment theory help us understand it?
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory was originally developed by John Bowlby, a British psychologist. He discovered that our attachment to our caregivers has a significant impact not only on our development but also on how we learn to relate to others. Because of this, he began to refer to a child’s caregiver as their attachment figure and to the relationship with that figure as an attachment relationship.
When a child's needs are adequately met through the attachment relationship, the child develops a secure attachment style to the attachment figure. Notably, this includes both physical needs (food, water, shelter, etc) and psychological needs (comfort, protection, acceptance, etc). The secure attachment style typically indicates that the child experiences themself as worthy of love and others as loving in a way befitting of the relationship. Furthermore, the child finds the attachment figure to be both a safe haven and a secure base.
The term safe haven describes the feeling of security a child experiences in the attachment relationship and with the attachment figure. The term secure base refers to the idea that the child feels secure when away from the attachment figure, knowing that, when something goes wrong, the attachment figure will be there to return to. In essence, when an attachment figure adequately meets a child’s needs and becomes both a safe haven and a secure base, the child has a solid foundation for confidently exploring the world and engaging in other relationships.
Unfortunately, our attachment figures are often imperfect caregivers. When they do not adequately meet a child’s needs, an insecure attachment develops. There are three forms of insecure attachment: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Individuals with anxious attachment styles tend to experience themselves as unworthy of love, but others as loving. A person with an anxious attachment style typically worries about being left, seeks lots of reassurance, and can be overly focused on relationship signs.
Individuals with avoidant attachment styles tend to see themselves as worthy of love and others as unlikely to love them. A person with an avoidant attachment style can downplay the importance of intimacy and connection, and typically feels uncomfortable with closeness or depending on others.
Individuals with disorganized attachment styles tend to experience themself as unworthy of love and others as unlikely to be loving. A person with a disorganized attachment tends to oscillate between approach and retreat in a relationship and often simultaneously craves and fears closeness.
By understanding how insecure attachment develops and what it looks like, we can identify its echoes in our adult romantic relationships.
Attachment Theory and Couples
While adult romantic partnerships differ significantly from parent-child dynamics, the underlying neurobiological and psychological mechanisms of attachment persist and even shape our relationships with our spouses. This is because when we marry, we leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. It is then, if not before, that our spouse becomes our new attachment figure. When this transition occurs, the way we relate to them is influenced by the attachment style we have learned.
What does that affect? It affects our expectations for closeness, our understanding of intimacy, how we respond in conflict, and more. This means that both spouses' attachment styles play a significant role in the nature and state of a romantic relationship. Particularly, both spouses’ attachment styles can perpetuate the negative cycles of hurt, misunderstanding, and disconnection that might be showing up between you and your spouse.
What can you do?
First, take comfort in remembering that God works all things for good (Romans 8:28). This is especially true for your marriage, though it doesn’t always feel like it. Second, all couples experience conflict. The goal is not to eliminate it but to transform how it happens. Third, know that attachment styles and patterns can become more secure. There are helpful books and workshops out there that can assist you in this process.
However, if books and workshops do not seem like enough, consider couples therapy. With couples therapy, you have an opportunity to undo negative cycles and create positive ones, and to transform conflict so that it deepens rather than erodes your connection. If you desire more positive cycles and connection in your marriage, reach out to get connected to a couples counselor who can help you experience the flourishing God desires for your marriage. Hope Healing Counseling offers Christian Couples Counseling to help you and your loved one pursue a healthy relationship.