Is There a Link Between Attachment Styles and Infidelity?
The way we connect with romantic partners often mirrors patterns established long before we ever went on a first date. These patterns, known as attachment styles, form during childhood based on our relationships with caregivers.
While anyone can be unfaithful in a relationship, sometimes the act of infidelity is tied to whether a person is insecurely attached. Understanding the connection between attachment styles and infidelity can shed light on why some relationships struggle with trust and commitment.
Understanding Attachment Styles
There are four primary attachment styles. Below, we’ll take a look at what causes each and how they influence relationships.
Secure attachment forms when caregivers are consistently available, both emotionally and physically. Children with secure attachment feel safe and confident that their needs will be met. As adults, they tend to have healthy, trusting relationships.
Anxious attachment develops when parental availability is inconsistent. Sometimes the caregiver is present and responsive, other times they’re not. This unpredictability can lead to behaviors like clinginess and an intense fear of abandonment in adult relationships.
Avoidant attachment occurs when caregivers are emotionally unavailable. Children learn to be independent and self-reliant because seeking comfort or connection feels futile. As adults, they often struggle with emotional closeness and intimacy.
Disorganized attachment develops in situations where a parent or caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear, such as in cases of abuse. People with this attachment style often fear rejection while simultaneously struggling to trust others, which can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors.
How Attachment Styles Relate to Infidelity
Research suggests that attachment styles may play a role in relationship patterns, including the likelihood of infidelity.
Securely attached people are the least likely to be unfaithful to their partners. They feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, communicate openly about their needs, and work through relationship challenges together.
Anxious attachment may lead to infidelity out of the fear of abandonment. Some people with anxious attachment may seek outside relationships as an attempt to find the intimacy and reassurance they crave, especially if they perceive their partner as emotionally withholding.
Avoidant attachment can contribute to infidelity in specific ways. Because people with this style value their independence highly, they may feel smothered when a partner seeks emotional closeness. Infidelity can become a way to maintain control over the relationship or create emotional distance without formally ending things.
Disorganized attachment creates a chaotic push-and-pull between wanting intimacy and needing independence. Relationships may feel hot and cold, lacking the stability that fosters security. This unpredictability and internal conflict can contribute to infidelity as people struggle to manage their conflicting needs.
Healing After Infidelity
When infidelity occurs, it breaks the foundation of trust in a relationship. Working through this betrayal requires understanding not just what happened, but why it happened.
In couples counseling, therapists often explore attachment styles to understand the underlying patterns and emotional needs driving behavior. This insight helps both partners recognize how childhood experiences continue to influence their adult relationships.
Therapy can focus on several key areas, such as the following:
Building secure attachment: By addressing the wounds and fears that fuel insecure attachment patterns, we work to create new, healthier ways of relating to your partner.
Improving communication: Through helping partners express their needs, fears, and boundaries more effectively, they learn that communicating openly creates emotional safety.
Rebuilding trust: This takes time and consistent effort from both partners. We explore what trust means to each person and develop concrete steps to restore it.
Moving Forward
Understanding the link between attachment styles and infidelity does not excuse unfaithful behavior, but it does provide a framework for healing. Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness, support, and commitment, you can develop more secure ways of connecting with your partner.
We can help you understand your attachment styles and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships through attachment therapy. At times, beginning with just yourself in individual work is helpful. At other times, it may be needed to be seen together as a couple. Reach out today for an initial free consultation and take the first step toward healing.
