Overcoming Holiday Conflict: A Couple’s Guide to Forgiveness & Connection
The holiday season is here. If you’ve ever seen The Grinch (I think of the new animated version), you can probably envision the town bustling with the anticipation of Christmas, where everyone is happy and cheerful. You may also recall the scene where the Grinch is observing the town, far off and lonely on a hill, peering into the houses that are warmed not only by the fire but also by the love of their families.
You may be surrounded by holiday cheer right now, but perhaps, like the Grinch, the happiness around you is in stark contrast to the feeling of discontent on the inside. For many couples, the holidays can magnify the pain of unresolved conflict. Instead of laughter around the table, you might notice arguments springing from small disappointments or the tension of past wounds overshadowing family celebrations. In homes that are meant to reflect warmth and love, you may feel more alone than ever—longing for feelings of closeness and safety that seem out of reach.
What Forgiveness Is—and Is Not
I’ve seen it in the counseling room before – a couple is sitting so close together that the tips of their fingers could reach each other, and at the same moment, the wall between them is almost physically visible. The advice given to them may be similar to what you may have heard: “just forgive and forget” or “apologize first and don’t make a big deal out of it” to resolve the conflict.
Forgiveness holds out the promise of reconnection and reconciliation, but often it is not a quick fix.
Forgiveness is not:
Excusing, condoning, or forgetting the offense,
Reconciling at the expense of one’s dignity or safety.
Lacking boundaries. You can release resentment without reconciling if trust has been broken.
Instant. Although some wounds can be resolved quickly, others that are deeper may be a slow and painful process. Either way, it must validate the pain involved.
Forgiveness does involve:
An intentional process. It is a heart-level choice to let go of the weight of bitterness and the desire to “settle the score.” It may be resolved in a moment; however, it can often take multiple attempts if the transgression is deep.
Recognizing the emotional weight of the event, which includes naming the harm and impact beyond a cognitive level. Real forgiveness honors the depth of the wounding – and does not deny or invalidate pain.
Refusing to rush past the pain and moving through it – together.
Forgiveness can foster a sense of connection again; however, it does not return the relationship to “normal” – it changes it. The couple can use this new experience to further strengthen the marriage, as forgiveness (not forgetting) requires continual practice. Some boundaries may need to be maintained in the event of significant betrayal; however, repair is still possible.
The hope is that loneliness can be undone, and partners can find their needs met in each other again.
Justice and mercy can both be honored while space is held for anger and grief.
If your holidays are shadowed by old hurts or recent betrayals, remember: forgiveness is about caring for your heart, not bypassing your disappointment or loss. If you need someone to walk with you through this process, Hope Healing is here for you.
When Faith Releases: Why Forgiveness Matters for Mental Health
It may be hard to see at the moment, but there are moments where relationships can be stable and not always tumultuous, or under laden with past pain. For many Christian couples, feeling forgiven by God and being encouraged to forgive one another acts as a profound source of hope and restoration. This season, remember that emotional vulnerability and honest reflection—not just “moving on”—are powerful steps toward health. Jesus Christ is Immanuel, “God with us,” and also desires to be with you in your suffering (Is. 53:3).
You may also be interested to know that research reveals a powerful link between forgiveness and health.
Several studies find that those who forgive—especially those who practice emotional, not just decisional, forgiveness—experience lower levels of depression, anxiety, and anger, and enjoy better physical health.
Self-forgiveness is particularly significant, as studies have shown that it predicts greater life satisfaction, improved self-esteem, and even reduced physical symptoms.
Feeling forgiven by God and seeking forgiveness from others are also associated with higher well-being.
Conversely, holding onto resentment or self-condemnation is linked to higher rates of depression and distress.
If conflict is taking its toll this season, you are not alone. Decades of research show that couples who engage in the work of forgiveness—especially emotional forgiveness—enjoy stronger relationships and better physical and psychological health. Forgiveness frees you from the grip of anxiety and resentment. The important part is that forgiveness will involve a deeply emotional process. If you are stuck in a cycle, Hope Healing offers Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, which can help them resolve conflict and overcome unforgiveness.
Beyond the Apology: How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Turns Forgiveness into Lasting Change
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is particularly effective in guiding couples through the complex process of forgiveness following attachment injuries. The EFT process invites both partners to recognize and articulate how betrayal or major hurts have affected their sense of safety, love, and connection
Naming and Exploring the Injury: EFT provides a secure space where the partners can share the full significance of the injury and also learn to truly understand and empathize with that pain. This process occurs over multiple sessions, and safety is gradually established to facilitate this outcome.
Emotional Engagement: Both partners are supported in taking risks to express new levels of vulnerability, including grief, shame, regret, and longing. This leads to deeper mutual understanding.
Supportive Response: The offending partner’s genuine expression of empathy and responsibility promotes healing. When the hurt partner asks for comfort and receives sincere care, the possibility of forgiveness is dramatically increased.
Restoration of Trust: Over a series of sessions, couples move from stuck patterns of blame and withdrawal toward new emotional closeness and hope—paving the way for eventual reconciliation when it is healthy and appropriate.
Outcomes show that couples who work through these steps report significant improvements in relationship satisfaction, emotional healing, and readiness to forgive, compared with those who remain unresolved. At Hope Healing, we combine evidence-based approaches, such as EFT, with biblical wisdom and perspective to help couples recover from ruptures in their relationships.
Forgiveness isn’t quick or easy, but when rooted in faith and guided by proven therapeutic frameworks like EFT, it offers couples hope, renewal, and true freedom from the pain of the past. If your relationship is struggling with deep injury, compassionate and skilled help is available—and the journey toward healing can begin today.
References:
Bassett, R. L., Carrier, E., Charleson, K., Pak, N. R., Schwingel, R., Majors, A., Pitre, M., Sundlof-Stoller, A., & Bloser, C. (2016). Is it really more blessed to give than to receive? A consideration of forgiveness and perceived health. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 44(1), 28–41.
Freedman, S., & Zarifkar, T. (2016). The psychology of interpersonal forgiveness and guidelines for forgiveness therapy: What therapists need to know to help their clients forgive. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 3(1), 45–58. https://doi.org/10.1037/scp0000087
Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.74.6.1055
Disclaimer & AI Disclosure:
Articles/blogs on this website may be drafted with the assistance of AI technology to support organization, clarity, and research integration. All clinical interpretations, personal experience, conclusions, and final wording reflect the author’s own professional judgement and voice. All sources were independently verified for accuracy.
