A Christian’s Guide to Processing Church Hurt
At one point, the church may have been your safe haven - until it became the place of your wounding. You may have looked for help from leaders at the church, and although they had good intentions, they may have made things worse.
If you are a Christian and love Jesus, it may be hard to admit that the people who should have been the most trustworthy weren’t. And you may feel hurt and alone.
If your trust is broken, and it is impacting your faith as well, what do you do?
You aren’t alone in what you have experienced.
If you are here, you are probably in one of two places: trying to make meaning of what happened or trying to find someone who can help – or maybe both.
It may be too soon to label what just happened; however, sometimes church hurt goes deep, and what you experienced may be closer to religious/spiritual trauma, or maybe even abuse.
The impact of religious and spiritual abuse and trauma can include the following (Johnson & VanVonderen, 1991):
a) distorting one’s image of God
b) distorting one’s spiritual self-identity
c) barriers to accepting grace
d) barriers to setting healthy boundaries
e) barriers to establishing a trusting relationship in the future
The confusion and suffering can continue when communities misuse the Bible to keep people in abusive situations through a misunderstanding of how healing occurs. Have you ever been told to “just forgive and forget”? Sometimes these sayings, although well-intentioned, can be the subversive messages that need to be examined closely, especially if they were used to manipulate and control others.
How do you begin to heal?
Here are three ideas you can start with to begin the healing process:
Space. This may seem clichéd, but finding space to heal is important. What is not clichéd and often very difficult is finding what this looks like for you. Oftentimes, when things hurt, we want them fixed now – who wouldn’t? Although “time heals all wounds” is also not quite accurate, giving your heart space to roam – to think, feel, and experience again is important – especially if the wounding has made you want to close off from the world.
People. One of the most devastating parts about church hurt and/or spiritual/religious abuse/trauma is that the wounding causes “a” through “e” above. So, finding safe people and places to heal eventually is the solution; however, in the midst, you may not want anything to do with them – or the church. That’s okay. But I encourage you to at least think of one person that you believe is in your corner and reach out to them. Take a step.
Keep Believing. At the risk of you closing the browser now, the truth is, if you still believe in Jesus after all of this, that is a miracle. To confess Jesus is the Messiah is the work of the Holy Spirit. When trust is fractured, what results can be a belief that it is somehow your fault, and that you cannot trust yourself. God is still with you, friend. If it is only the tenuousness of the belief that He is still Messiah, let that be enough – He will not fail you.
A trauma-informed approach to faith-based counseling may help.
If you are doubting your sense of self, experiencing difficulty rebuilding trust with others (and perhaps God), an approach that is highly relational, attuned to your woundings, both past and present, is important.
You may be in a place where reaching out to anyone in leadership or authority is the last thing on your mind. If you’re here, perhaps you are searching for a place or a person to help you heal.
Finding someone who really gets your faith, while being professionally trained to care for your heart, can be like finding a needle in a haystack.
When your faith is shaken, and it has been foundational for you, picking up the puzzle pieces and putting them back together can be challenging.
We at Hope Healing Counseling are committed to taking the time to make meaning of your unique story. Counselors are licensed, trauma-informed, and care about your story, including your faith. We aren’t perfect either; however, we will seek to earn your trust every session. We are here, whenever you are ready.
You may have noticed some citations like (Ellis, et. al) throughout my webpage. This means that the information comes from a real peer-reviewed scientific article, not just ChatGPT. Here are the articles so you can find them:
Ellis, H. M., Hook, J. N., Zuniga, S., Hodge, A. S., Ford, K. M., Davis, D. E., & Van Tongeren, D. R. (2022). Religious/spiritual abuse and trauma: A systematic review of the empirical literature. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 9(4), 213–231. https://doi.org/10.1037/scp0000301
Johnson, D., & VanVonderen, J. (1991). The subtle power of spiritual abuse. Kaapstad.
